The Hitman: an impersonal wank - Most  fall under this category. Whacking it while having no previous physical contact with the Target  (i.e. a pr0n actress, girl of the street). It’s not personal, business is business.

The Vendetta: a personal wank - Whacking it and knowing the Target (ex: the hot friend). If she doesn’t let you, than you will do it one way or the other. Except this wayd0esn’t end in you going  to jail.

The Devil’s Advocate: You shouldn’t have this wank, because you know it is wrong, but you have it anyway because the temptation is too great. Includes wives, fiancees, girlfriends, mothers and sisters - of your friends.

The Sniper: a proximity-toss - You can see her but she can’t see you.  Whacking it while physically seeing the Target.

The Big Tasty: When things are going well you might have a chance with someone, say after a couple of dates - therefore there being a good probability of getting jiggy. But this hasn’t happened yet and so you need  a taster of things to come.

The Dead Stock : Like in business, when it’s been so long, that you end having so much stock and really need to get rid of it.

The Colonel (or Strategic Toss): When you’re about to get lucky but know you’re not going to last long, and therefore need to plan ahead to save face. In other words, whack it now in order to last longer later.

The Rampage: You’re so fucking horny, you just need to do it.

Chain-Tossing: Like smoking one cigarette after the other, you wank multiple times in a short time period. Exercise caution as this can lead to the Terminator.

The Terminator: You’ve over done it and your dick is now painfully sore and unusable. If that’s the case, the previous wank was a Terminator.

The Han Solo: When the hoe just doesn’t do it right, and you need to do things by yourself and take matters into your own hand.

The Sundae: Like a good dinner, sex needs to end with a good dessert. This is when you pull out after a good humping and offer your hoe a better dessert than that same old boring cream pie.

Had a bit too much to drink the other night. 2 hours sleep the night prior and empty stomach.

So naturally when I took the last tube (metro) home, I fell asleep and missed my stop. Got out 2-3 stations later…walked out the suburban station… and I was lost. Didn’t know how the fuck to get back home from that place I didn’t even know about.

Then in my drunken state, moments after saying “shit”, I realised I had an Xperia X1. No problem. Fired up the Tom Tom navigator and within seconds I had a route planned back to the house. 4kms. Not bad considering I’m lost on a drunken night. I let the custom installed Clint Eastwood voice guide me out of the labyrinth. “At the end of the road turn right, punk.”

For all those of you who think I spent too much money on a phone. Can your phones guide you safely home when you’re drunk bitches? I thought not.

And for those who said I should of bought an iphone… well you just fail.

Tagged along for a drink with some people when the subject of facebook came up when it came to hooking up. And I thought I would write a post about it because it is sadly all truth.

Picture the scene. You’re in a bar/club whatever, meet someone, you go through all the talk/dance and all that, and when it’s time to go home you exchange contact details. Phone number? What are you from 2008? What’s your last name? I’ll look you up on facebook.

The advantages to this are far reaching:

#1: You avoid that awkward call. “Hello uhhh I met you the other night… what’s up?” And you also avoid the call from the other person. Now you can contact said person and take the time to write something witty. No more awkwardness, no more embarrassment.

#2: You will be able to remember the first name of the person and the last name as well.

#3: You can stalk the shit out of said person. Look through a dozen odd pictures and the “Did the drink cause me to see someone I wanted to see?” turns into “Phew it’s all good, she’s still hot.” For some reason this is perfectly acceptable compared to sneaking up to the person’s house and monitoring their movements. Probably because you won’t get caught and they’ll never know…and they can do it too.

#4 Have a complicated name? No problem. Just stick in a typo in there and the person will never find you. Unless they’re determined of course and whatever you do they’ll find you.

God damn… if only I knew. I really would have invested in facebook when it was still small.

If you’re one of these people who orders Mojitos:  damn you. Do you order them because you really like them? Well how do you like this? Each time you order a mojito in a busy bar, you are delaying dozens of people from getting their drinks. People who just want a bottle or a spirit and mixer have to wait excess minutes to get a drink that should be served to them in 30 seconds.  Other popular cocktails, albeit taking a little more time to do that other drinks, don’t take as much time as a Mojito.  If you want to do it right that is (some bartenders take shortcuts and I don’t blame them). There’s plenty of other drinks you can order at a busy bar, why get your bartender and other customers pissed off  at them just because you want to a drink something just because it happens to be in fashion at the moment. Because you don’t have to deal with the heat obviously, but show some consideration goddamnit. Especially because a lot of bartenders rely on tips for their livelihood and if you get everyone pissed off at them or cause them to lose potential orders, you’re robbing them. If you like mojitos, fair enough, but consider your fellows at busy times.

This leads me to Cosmopolitans. And it’s sad. This drink isn’t so much the fact that it takes time to do and delays service. It doesn’t. It’s just the fact that people order it because it’s in fashion. I shit you not the number of times I hear the following when people are ordering:

“I’ll have a cosmopolitan.”

“What’s that?” asks the boyfriend, husband.

“It’s the cocktail from Sex And The City.”

At this point, I don’t know which feeling is stronger. Reaching over and slapping the damned hoes, or mercilessly  mocking them. That’s it? the drink from Sex And The City?? do you even know what’s in it, what it tastes like?!?! The fact that this drink is in fashion because of a TV show is less shocking than the fact that middle aged ladies have  fallen prey to kid-like influence.

That said though. I’m being a bit hypocritical though because I’m a sucker for product placements and the like. But those products aren’t drinks!

Yesterday was a very busy night at the bar I work at in a hotel in london.  But yesterday, it wasn’t at all the orders I was struggling with, it was bills (or checks as yanks call them). One table, who were krauts apparently, after ordering 20 or so drinks requested to pay separately. The girl working with me came up to me as the bearer of bad news. This person wants to pay for this and that, this one for that and this.  So I had to play around with the till up to the  point where the one table had 9 different checks.  This is a record as far as I’m concerned. The most I’ve ever had to split a table is probably 3 parts.

This wasn’t the worst part by any means. They all pay me cash (some of them kept the receipts), so I end up with notes, struggling to understand what it’s meant to pay for. The girl serving, was writing down to the best of ability what the notes were meant to pay, which made it slightly easier. But change was quickly running out in the till, so I had to go to get coins from reception to keep up with the incessant hassling. Meanwhile, I have two dudes sat at the bar to “entertain” and people coming for orders at the bar,  who felt the need to hold me for a chat. “Where are you from?” “This bar is expensive isn’t it?”At the same time the waitress is waiting for me to finish closing those tabs and give change back to those krauts.

I was really tempted to just take the money, close the tabs and keep the change as tips. But I gave the change anyways. The resulting confusion was mindblowing. While everyone paid cash, one of them paid by card. And keep in mind the drinks were similar on those tabs. So by accident I closed a credit card payment, cash. So I had to call a duty manager to come and rectify the problem.  I swear my mind turned blank during that night. After we finished (1 hour late;  half an hour later because of the lucrative business levels and half an hour to clear up and make sure the accounts were in balance). I was starting doing things without thinking I was tired, overworked, pumped with adrenaline and stressed at the same time.  It’s like my subconscious was guiding my body. Keep in mind, there is always two of us working. It doesn’t matter how busy it gets each bar staff has to be worth two people in that job.

My point is, I will refuse to divide tabs in more than 3 pieces when it’s busy in the future. You’re grown ups, you should be able to sort out a tab amongst yourselves. That’s how I’ve always done it when I was in a restaurant or bar with a group of people. If you must, and this is still a pain in the ass, come to me at the bar requesting what you want to pay for, so that I can do it on a one on one basis.  But please, never ask for this bullshit again.

So the crew now consists of two jaded, cynical bastards with magnificently high standards putting their unique spin on things.