The Oompa Loompa

‘IT’S A TRAP’ was the text message I frantically sent to D, as I surveyed the situation that awaited me within the small martini bar. The morbidly obese girl with the orange skin was cheerfully waving at me as though I was a long lost friend, and not a random skinny boy with shaggy hair and hot sunglasses that she decided she wanted to lay several weeks prior. Kendra, Diana, Megan, and two other random girls were standing a ways behind her, beckoning me to join their group. I cautiously made my way over, thinking that the human female incarnation of Moby Dick might not be a part of my entourage, as she was sitting with other people a full two booths away. I quickly weighed my options. I am an experienced video game player, so am used to having a boss placed between me and my goals. I could take the Jack Bauer route and go head on into battle and fight my way through the dread labyrinth, or I could escape and try to find a back door, similar to how a non-man plays an action game. I never have been one for subtlety, so I decided to run head long into danger. I imagine now that I looked like a frightened gazelle approaching the lion’s den, but at the time, I felt brave and unstoppable. The vodka-drink that Kendra was offering to me from across the room was a magnetic force, pulling me through obstacles in such a way that I am positive I left a path of destruction. Until The Beast rose up in front of me, with arms flailing in a laborious manner that suggested she was excited about my presence. I tried to duck and weave, but sadly, a boxer I am not. I was captured into a hug that left me feeling like a morsel being teased by a shark. I sent a look of abstract terror to Kendra, and she, as lovely as she is, laughed at my plight. I was able, with much effort, to pry myself from her grasp and slip over to my group, while maintaining as much dignity as possible. And that is where the story really takes off.

But let’s back track. I’ll get back to Temptations  in a bit. This whole event officially began a couple of months prior, at the Flying Frog. It was nearing the end of summer and I decided to go out with a bang. I was wearing what I affectionately refer to as my Miami Vice suit, meaning white slacks, white linen shirt(with the obligatory unbuttoned top quarter), gaudy necklace hanging around my neck and flashy sunglasses. I strutted my stuff up to the bar to meet, as usual, Kendra and her pack of friends. I was brimming with confidence as I strode through the door, greeted my quasi-sister with a hug, and was introduced to her friends. Insert a couple forgettable names here. There was a good looking blonde, a good looking brunette, and the orange faced woman. We all conversed for a good thirty minutes, before I sequestered myself to the end of the table to catch up with Kendra. I noticed from the corner of my eye that the three aforementioned women were whispering to each other and casting looks in my direction. Obviously, I preen a bit and cast an inward smile. Perhaps the summer truly would go out with a bang. A few minutes later, Kendra goes to the other end of the table to converse with them, and comes back as I order another drink. They carted off to the bathroom, in that odd bit of pack behavior that seems to beset most women I know. Kendra leaned in toward me and whispered conspiratorially, ‘They’re having a contest to see who gets to sleep with you tonight.’
Now that’s a contest I can really get behind. I had a 66% chance of winning, so I smirked and gave a couple pleased nods. The three women returned, and we all decided to go to another bar. As we left the Flying Frog, the oompa loompa sidled up next to me and slithered her arm into the crook of my elbow. I frantically looked around and noticed Kendra helplessly shrug. ‘Blonde and brunette checked out to go to a different bar. It’s just us now.’

‘No.’ I thought to myself. ‘NO!’ this cannot be! The odds were in my favor and I was sure to be the overall victor in the contest. With the dread of a death row inmate walking down the green mile, I let her pull me into our next stop. The properly loathed [insert name of loud, obnoxious clientele bar here].  She detached herself from my arm to order a drink, and I thought up a plan of escape with such quickness that I can only say it was born from a desperate will to survive. I ran.

I escaped from the bar and disappeared around the street corner, where I clutched my hand to my chest and tried to regain my breath. I then managed to find my way home somehow, for the conclusion of what was yet another event on my long string of lulz with the opposite sex.

Now, getting back to Temptations: This was clearly the same woman whom I had escaped the talons of back in summer. A couple days after that event, Kendra sent me an email from work, saying that I had dodged a bullet. She and the subject worked together at the hospital, and apparently, that morning, the subject was speaking to several co-workers about the hot guy she wanted to sleep with, a couple nights earlier. She was apparently sad that I had disappeared from her.
After reading this email from Kendra, my heart rate quickened a little bit, as I realized how close my escape from doom truly was.

Inside of Temptations, after I escaped from her meaty grasp, I joined up with the group of people I actually knew and liked. And then it happened. She followed me over to the group and proceeded to introduce me to some of them, as her ‘good friend.’ First of all, I already knew all of them.  Second of all, we were not friends by any stretch of the imagination, let alone good friends. She once more linked her arm through mine, and I sent another look of panic to my companions. They snickered a bit under their breath, and I realized that I was in this alone. They wanted to see some sport, similar to how I imagine the Romans felt as they took their seats in the Coliseum. I frantically disengaged my arm under the guise of needing to send a text message. And then I actually sent the text message. My second cry for help to D, as I told him what was going on. His reply was quick, as he is indeed my wing man, even from afar. ‘GET OUT NOW’
I acquiesced. I chugged down the remnants of my drink, and bolted for the door. I heard a cry of ‘Chris, wait!’ and I looked behind me. She was following me! I raced out the door, while sending another text to D. I told him what was going on, and he quickly texted back ‘DROP EVERYTHING AND RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!’
I acquiesced again and used my old runner’s speed to take off up the hill. It was a desperate escape, and I was banking on her lack of fitness to keep her from pursuing me. I was correct in my determination, and I clutched at my heart trying to calm it. I somehow made my way back home again, to finally end the saga of The Oompa Loompa.